Slump busting - motivation, where art thou?

      

     

Since Mildura Horse Trials in July, I have to admit I've hit a bit of a slump. Tonsilitis, sick kids, increased work commitments and absolutely abysmal weather have meant my riding time has been reduced significantly. One week I didn't ride at all....I panicked that it could be the sign of a midlife crisis (!) however I have since regrouped and got on with things (well, to some extent). 

Eventing Squad 

The last two outings I've taken the boys to have greeted me with sideways rain and gale force winds. Typo did not appreciate his XC lesson at Squad in the howling wind and it was only after an hour and a half of jumping he finally settled in the group (without threatening to tip me off!!) . He jumped really well though, which is some kind of silver lining. I then had an excellent XC lesson on Snip where we jumped every ditch fence I could find! This particular squad day gave us access to the Civinex paddock where competitions are run, so we conquered the ditch brush I fell at at M3DE. :) 

     Not the best photo - but we did it! 

I also participated in a rider safety session. It was really interesting - the two important things being if you are past the point of no return to let go of the reins and adopt a "brace" position. I was always taight to hold the reins if I fell off to stop the horse running away....however, in a serious fall, it can make matters worse.  It makes sense, as it prevents the rider being pulled down into the horse's path and reduces the chance of head and neck injury. I think all riders should do the training - which incorporated balance exercises, as well as fall practice in a safe environment. 

                                   

     

Ballarat Hunter Trials

Most recently, we headed to Ballarat for the training Hunter Trials. Once again we were greeted with terrible weather! Typo was not impressed and was very hot and spooky...in the SJ this time. He shied at a crow on the fence and nearly deposited me. We did get around all the XC clear though and scraped a 5th place. 

Snip was full of beans and wanted to showjump by Braille, so although he jumped cross country with his usual enthusiasm, we have a few things to tweak before the Spring Horse Trials at Werribee next weekend. 

One of the interesting things to come out of the weekend was hearing from one of Typo's former owners, who contacted me when they saw his name on the draw.  I've been able to piece together more of his past and it would seem he's had at least 6 homes in the past 3 years, probably more. I have a few insights now into some of his behaviours and now he needs lots of calm, patient work. Group work with others is not his thing....

"How do you do it?" 

This is a question I keep getting asked. How do I juggle a part time job, two small kids, teaching casually plus keeping 3 horses in work? The truth is...I don't! Like everyone, I go through phases where work or family has to take precedence. Gone are the days I ride several horses daily (although with better weather and daylight saving, they will return). I usually try to keep 2 horses ticking over whilst one is spelled and rotate them around. Inevitably, one horse will need time off with problems from time to time, so three horses gives me options. I ride and teach under lights a few times a week. I have a cleaner. I do minimal housework, I don't iron (!) and I rarely cook (thankfuly my husband is a good chef!). He also works quite manageable hours so our split of child caring is more equal. It really is a team effort. 

Back to slump busting...

As for the competitive side of my riding, I'm going to take some time out after this season. I love training, I love having lessons and I enjoy teaching. Competing however, is becoming a chore. I'm not sure what it is, but the thrill of competing is currently not outweighing the huge effort involved. It is getting increasingly expensive, which is prohibitive when competing more than 1 horse. Eventing is time consuming too, both in terms of keeping horses in work AND requiring whole weekends away (or even longer). The time away, I'm not as enchanted with as I once was, as it means I'm away from my small kids. I mostly travel alone, which is tiring. Then when I get to a competition, It is me having to look after and muck out 2 horses, walk 2 courses several times, plait, wash, clean gear, put bloody studs in (urghh!) and then actually ride....then drive home, unpack and show up for work the next day. It is a lot of work, often for little reward. I've been doing it for so long it's become "normal" - only now am I starting to question if it is good use of my time. 

The FEI's proposed change from next year to make 1* (which to cut a long story short, becomes 2*) long format/3DEs obsolete has also affected my thinking.  I'm an amateur rider, for me, getting to a 3DE is the pinnacle. Take that away, and what am I aiming for again?? Although I one day would like to ride beyond 1*/Novice/1.10m - it isn't a given and without a major focus, I admit I feel rather lost. 

So, it's time to do some soul searching, hug my horses and get out to lots of lessons and clinics. I may do more dressage/showjumping next year which require less time away from home. I'm also interested in having a go at Working Equitation. Something different! 

My love of horses will never diminish, but my direction may change - and that's ok. 

Two Sides of The Coin

The last couple of months have presented me with several challenges. Obviously I've had to recover physically since my fall, however the mental side has been much, much harder - and not in the ways you might imagine. 

Not being able to remember the fall is a blessing and a curse. It is good to not have any direct negative memories - however in being concussed and not being able to remember, my brain seemed to "invent" various (scary!) scenarios. The days (and even weeks) after were a very confusing time for me. On one hand, everything seemed normal, but a chunk of time had gone missing forever. On the other hand - my cognitive function was not as good as I thought it was....one morning, I went out to feed horses and couldn't remember what to do (and had a few incidents like this - eek!). Am really thanking my lucky stars that my injury was not more serious. It's only when I look back I can see now why people kept telling me to rest (oops!). 

One of the hardest things for me to grapple with at the time was other people's reactions. Some seemed almost angry at me, I guess out of frustration and disappointment. In the aftermath, I had much well-intended advice and many people asking "what on earth happened??!!" In normal circumstances, I'm not one to shirk constructive criticism, but when really not myself and unable to recall the fall or process anything, it was not the right time. 

Other people were consoling, bracing themselves for me being terribly disappointed. The weird thing is that I *wasn't* disappointed - I didn't feel anything emotionally in the days after, the concussion wiped that out of the equation. Ironically, even now, I'd have been more angry and disappointed had I had a silly run-out or a simple fall landing on my feet. Eventer's logic! 

These reactions from everyone are all normal, given the fright I gave so many people close to me. Riding is a dangerous sport, and as riders we accept the risks involved. The impact on my family and friends,  I must admit, is not something I've often thought through in depth. Because I have no recollection of the fall (or the 30 seconds before and some time after) it's like it never happened to me. It's like that day never happened, like it happened to someone else. However, for many others, it was frightening and caused a whole mix of emotions. 

Riding wise, my confidence was not directly affected; I felt the same as always when I got on a horse again. Over time though, I started second guessing myself about ditch fences, so have had to deal with this. It has been weird to run into people and hear various versions of events and what "supposedly" happened. Some thought Snip had fallen. Some told me I'd landed head first. For the record, it would appear from the video analysis we somehow simply misjudged a fence, Snip's legs caught the back of it and I hit Snip's *poll* with my head... was knocked out and then limply fell to the ground. He stayed on his feet and galloped off! 

I am still proud though, that despite everything, we made it to MI3DE. We had such a good season until then, with no placings outside of the top 12 and clear XC rounds every time! Just unfortunate we had a mistake at the big event, but that is horses and sport in general. I am very grateful to not have been more seriously hurt and so glad Snip was ok too. In the weeks following though, he unfortunately had a bout of cellulitis, which meant a slightly longer spell than I had planned for him. 

Return to competition 

The exciting news - we are out competing! I also have another little thoroughbred to compete alongside Snip, named Typo. He came to me to be a school horse, but has made the progression to eventer ;) 

Typo did his first HT at Maldon and was very good, despite being green, with a calm dressage test, clear XC and 1 rail SJ. We then travelled up to sunny Mildura for their wonderful event, Snip in the EvA105 and Typo in the EvA65. I was probably not in my most healthy state, having a bout of tonsilitis! Snip was a star, one of only 2 horses in the 24 strong field to finish on his dressage score, placing 8th. Typo placed midfield with a relaxed dressage, super clear XC and 2 rails SJ. 

When things don't quite go to plan...and a safety reminder

                     

                               Beautifully through the first water 


Ok, so that didn't quite go to plan (!)

After jumping the first 7 fences beautifully at MI3DE, I made quite a blunder and we had a stack at the "simple" ditch brush - a type of fence we've jumped confidently many times before. I don't recall the fall at all, but it would seem to be an error on my part as we apparently had a massive "miss" and Snip's hind legs caught on the back of the fence. I was ejected...! I am mortified to have made such an error, however, we are all only human and capable of making mistakes.

I suffered loss of consciousness and was apparently not "with it" for some time after. Medical services at the event were great - I was well looked after and my family were well supported by MI3DE event staff in making sure they were ok too.

I also cannot thank my friends and family enough for taking care of me and my horses. It will make me think twice about going to events alone, as I often do. I am so lucky to have had friends and the event vets to take care of my horse, and family to drive me home & look after my kids.

It has really hit home about the safety issues - I am *so* glad I was wearing a good helmet, my BETA 3 Racesafe back protector, plus a Point Two air vest. Aside from a few bruises, the rest of my body is fine. :) Not a mark on my back/torso. The doctors I saw were intrigued by my air vest and wanted to look at it, as it was not something they were familiar with.

The other thing I always wear (even though it is no longer compulsory) is a medical armband. In this instance, I was still wearing it when I arrived at hospital, so the ED team had immediate information without having to ask a rather befuddled me a million questions. I have had other health conditions and take medications, so this is really important!

     

                                 

                                     Not my weekend plan! 

So - my birthday present to myself will be a new high specification cross country helmet. I am looking into the new "Conehead" and helmets with EPS technology & crush resistance. Anything to reduce the chance of a major head injury is money well spent in my opinion. Always, always wear a helmet!!

                            

                                 Time for a new helmet! 

                               

                                   Obviously hit my eye on the way down 

    

A rather sobering blog - but as I have said to other people - if you ride horses for long enough, you *will* fall off. It is a matter of taking all safety precautions and training well to be as safe as we can be.

We will be back to competition after a bit of a rest for me, a spell for Snip and (finally!) a holiday to the Gold Coast ;)

The pursuit of a dream

                          

    

I've had many blog posts on the go, but haven't managed to actually finish one - I kept getting bogged down in details. I also feel the need to delve a little more deeply into my current personal journey and how important it has been to me.

So, I'm AT MELBOURNE 3DE! We qualified, we got here! 

What has this journey given me? Some of my answers have surprised me. 

It has made me appreciate what my body can do

In this superficial world, we are constantly bombarded by the pursuit of the ideal body. Whatever that is. (Even moreso after having a baby, or two...you know, you should snap back to "pre baby" magically as if nothing had ever happened. Yeah right!!!). 

Like many women, I've been plagued by body image issues all my life (pause for sharp intake of breath, yes...me). Somehow, I got a mixed message that my weight was a measure of my self worth. It led to decades of disordered eating and very flawed thinking. It was suggested to me recently by someone (who should know better) that I should exercise off the wobbly baby tummy. Umm, hello, it's mostly loose skin. Besides, I walk on average 18,000 steps per day, ride several horses and look after 2 small kids. I don't think inactivity is my problem! Besides, as I head closer towards four decades on this earth, it is silly to think I'm going to retain the figure of my 19 year old self. 

No, instead, I appreciate my body for its strength. I am fit, I am strong. I can lift heavy things and gallop over fixed obstacles on a 500kg horse. I am back riding at the level I was before two kids. My body rocks, even if I don't resemble a stick insect. 

It has given me back my identity

Motherhood does change priorities dramatically. That's a given. But being able to ride and do things I used to do is so very important to me. For a long time, horses have shaped my life, so to take that away from me made me feel very lost. Time on the sidelines when pregnant or with small babies was a huge change. Spending time daily with my horses and having goals to aim for has given me "normality" in a crazy time of re-adjustment. 

There is nothing wrong with being identified as a Mother. But for myself, and many other Mums, we are many, many other things too. 

It has rebuilt my self worth

Having perinatal/postnatal anxiety and depression (twice, yay...go me!) sucked me into a black hole of nothingness and made me loathe myself and feel worthless as a person. I also lived in constant fear of being judged...the simple worry that my house was never in order would be enough to send me into a spin and I experienced constant hyper vigilance. I would read things into everything that anyone said, because I felt it must be about me and how I was a failure as a mother and as a person full stop. I wasn't worthy of even existing. Get the picture? If you have never experienced that feeling, it is very hard to understand. These overwhelming feelings made me at one stage consider selling my horses - thank goodness that didn't happen! 

Alongside finding good medical help, having riding goals has given me another reason to dig deep and keep on going. When there's horses to ride and feed, it's another thing to get up and out of bed for. Then there's the enjoyment factor. Having something to look forward to makes the fog lift and the Black Dog's shadow no longer lingers as a constant threat. 

Doing something well has given me a feeling of accomplishment and pride. This is also evident in my coaching, as I really enjoy being able to help others on their riding journeys. 

So, no matter how the next 4 days goes....I did it. I got here. I'm happy and proud. And even better, I now have my husband and kids to share this special journey with. Along with my very special horse...

As 3 1/2 year old Hamish said to me the other day after watching me jump - 

"Snip is a good horse Mummy. He's your best friend" 

                 

Happy tears! 

Photos by Andrea Dunn Photography 

Ambitions

       

For a long time, I have always had fairly 'out there' big goals. One such goal was to ride at the Melbourne Three Day Event. I was very committed, driven and hungry to reach this goal - and it did eventually happen, in 2012. However, in being so focused on this one over-riding goal for a long time, it did mean I missed out on other things along the way. I didn't have much of a life, my house was neglected, my work probably suffered and my husband and family had to put up with me and my somewhat selfish pursuit of a dream.

     

Since having a family, my goals have been more modest, more training oriented and I've not been in such a hurry to go up the grades. Riding again after kids has been an opportunity to get all of my basics more solid (and have to re-learn a lot of what I had previously been taught). Despite, or perhaps because of this - my results have been better! I'm more relaxed about competition in general too, knowing that no matter how things go, as long as I come home safe to cuddle my kids, it's been a good day.

                                    

Tim Minchin in one of his speeches advocates "passionate pursuit of short term goals." He maintains "you should be careful of long term dreams...if you focus too far in front of you, you won't see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye" 

His whole speech about the lessons of life can be seen here. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you watch it...

He is so right about "that shiny thing" - for me, backing off on my sole focus of eventing has meant I've got to achieve some quite different things. Having children. Bringing on a young horse. Going to Portugal, travelling alone, experiencing the thrill of riding piaffe & passage. Developing my coaching skills. All things I'd have missed if I had my blinkers still firmly on.

This year, I am aiming for Melbourne again. We might get there, we might not, but for me this time it's the journey along the way that's most important. To get there again (or even to consider it) after five years and two children is huge in itself.

Time and wisdom now means I put my sport in perspective - I do this for fun. I don't want to miss out on any other 'shiny objects' or opportunities to experience things that I might enjoy just as much (gasp!) as galloping cross country.